HR Director Joke

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up In heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute)and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.

She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, Today you're staff...

Chair Man of the Board
from jokes.com

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

Human Resource Lingo
from jokes.com

Competitive Salary
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Join Our Fast-paced Company
We have no time to train you.

Casual Work Atmosphere
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

Must be Deadline-Oriented
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

Some Overtime Required
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Duties Will Vary
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

Must Have an Eye for Detail
We have no quality control.

Career-minded
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

Apply in Person
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

No Phone Calls Please
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

Problem-solving Skills a Must
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Requires Team Leadership Skills
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

Good Communication Skills
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

RESUME Satire

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, ...couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

Then I tried to be a chef-figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB